britishbritishbritishbritish:

I know I have this typical way of trying to sound poetic and see through and fake and pretentious and all that falsehood. Or even swearing in excess as a crutch I can fall back on prove some juvenile point. But you don’t deserve that from me. It was blunt foolish honesty in a time of emotional distress that got me into this regrettable mess, so hopefully honesty in this time of a different, more deserved emotional distress will help me find a way out. Hopefully.

Clearly, you saw what I said yesterday, which has since been removed. And you are angry, and rightfully so, because I didn’t know the implications of what I was saying, but I said it, here, for everybody to see. I should have kept it to myself as a way to see how blindly angry I was at the time yesterday so I could learn to control fits of rage like that in the future, which was my intent. Instead I put it out here like some well thought out testament, which it wasn’t, and I hurt people. I became worse than what I was hating.

I came off as demeaning, degrading, and uncaring to those I love the most, who are closer to me than my own family. (God knows how many times I’ve gotten grounded for skipping family dinner just so I could hang out/talk/drive/shop with you ). I can only apologize, but I realize so unfortunately that I can’t expect forgiveness from you. I don’t deserve forgiveness from you. I want it, but that’s too bad for me. Friends like you aren’t acquired through selfish stupid actions like those of last night, and I was so blinded in my rage against what wasn’t your fault that I exploded, making you collateral damage. Collateral damage that I hurt more than that I was trying to destroy. I can say in confidence I have never made a bigger mistake in my life.

My actions yesterday were designed for myself alone to read to understand how little I wanted to be who I was last night, to use in the future for reflection to better myself so you and all my other friends could know a better me, I do my best to be good enough to prove my place in your life. My friends are who I try for, you doubly so. But my diary only served as a means to insult and belittle you. A poor communication entirely the fault of the orator. A slip-up with debris that I can only hope one day will wash away and will just have to bear it until it does, if it ever does.

I know how pretentious I seem, the front which I put up to entertain or whatever I do with my stupid jokes and rambles. I debate with everybody about where the line is when I cross it. But today, I realized that I crossed the line so far that I couldn’t find my way back home when I got there. You were always to some extent, the lighthouse that led the navigator back to the harbor when on stormy seas. But for some reason, I decided it would be worth risking losing you. I accidentally extinguished the light. So now I don’t know where to go.

And as much as I (honestly and rightfully) deny the sentiment that I was angry with you as a person (as opposed to someone that just happened to be in the room, in line line of fire, so to speak) that was stupidly proclaimed in yesterday’s distress, I have to confess I am that person who said what was said; an idiot. A complete and total moron, a fool with absolutely no class or wits about him. I always have been, and I try so hard to stop it, but in doing so, I find that I only cause these catastrophes.

But I loved being a complete fool, so long as you were by my side. With you gone, there’s absolutely no point or entertainment in being a fool. You made my stupidity worthwhile.

I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I couldn’t blame you if you never talked to me again. In fact, if you didn’t talk to me again, I still wouldn’t feel wronged, for I acted inexcusably. But I would be upset. I would be so incredibly sad without you.

And if you never talked to me, at the end, my greatest regret of my life would most definitely be losing my best friend because I let who I was when I was angry define who I was calm. I don’t want to lose you, most certainly not now.
So please, if you’ve read this far. I don’t demand forgiveness, and I don’t expect any form of reconciliation, I just want you to know.

I am honestly, truly, hopelessly, and completely sorry. With every piece of my existence. I didn’t mean what I said yesterday, I was so stupid. And if you ever feel, one day in the future, like you want to talk, or know why I said those dumb things that I did, or just to yell at me until I have become nothing. Never hesitate to contact me. Ever.

Please.

-Nick.